jus. .. i dont know.

everyone seems to always have a problem with me not taking much seriously. my “problems” are created out of bull shit that my mind creates, cause i feel i need problems or i will be bored. everyone also seems to not be able to know when i am being serious or not do to the sarcastic manner and gestures i give off. is it my defense system? why? i have lost a lot of people this way. it fucking sucks.

dont know how to turn this part of my head off, wish i could. dont know how the people im close to now put up with it. and the people that have left, i am sorry. 

people always tell me they love me, i rarely believe them now cause i know it will change soon and my role in their life will pass on. i can barely say it to my family or my friends. it is easy for me to say it to you, and you know who you are, but when i get too comfortable with you, it wont be pretty, im sorry in advance. and about you, im sorry i cant be open, im not ready i guess. im scared. i cant be open with anyone.